We recently switched on my old iMac and found all our photos and family photos from 2006 to 2012… I wasn’t too fussed about it, and then tonight I started looking through them and there are tears in my eyes at how little I loved myself and how many bad things I thought about myself.
I always thought my body wasn’t good enough… From weighing 55kgs in high school to weighing 100kgs 10 years later.
From red, black, blonde and even purple hair, long, short, permed – I’ve done it all and I am embarrassed for myself at how little I actually liked myself. I had different accessories to distract from my features (calculated move that did little to nothing), I was physically healthy, to unfit, sickly and everything in between. And still I was never good enough for myself.
I look at some of the photos and I see such a beautiful and happy soul, who at the time was worrying about the shirt I was wearing riding up my belly, or how many rolls were showing through my jumper. I remember the thoughts I had on some of these days where I loathed photos being taken of me and I was fuming and angry at having my photo taken… Now I see who I was back then and wish I could go back and tell myself to love me more, that my body is fricken amazing for any weight I may have at the time. That who I was, was enough for me, for anyone and I didn’t need to worry so much about others. To relax into myself and enjoy every moment of my 20s.
I’m so pleased I have come so far and realise I still have a way to go. My physical world has lead my inner world for so long, now knowing that I create all I feel, think and do…
Love for myself above all else will lead to a new world around me.
Strangely enough I was not uber unhappy in life, I just got on with things and kept on pushing through everyday. But I do now see the hurt an pain I caused myself.
To all the people who loved me through those years, I am so grateful for your care. I realise just how hard it must have been, to love someone who didn’t love themselves. Only NOW do I get what that actually means.
Growing up is a beautiful thing.