So, you may have realised I have been pretty quiet these last few weeks/months. I didn’t know what was happening until Monday when, once again, my trusty Coach Kim, helped me to figure out the real issue and what my dealio was!
Just before I went to Bali, I read an amazing article about ‘Shadow self’ and in my infinite wisdom decided that is the thing I’m going to focus on understanding about myself… I hadn’t heard of the Bali Energy – MAKES UNIVERSAL LESSONS HAPPEN HARDCORE – rule yet, and if I had known I may have changed that to, understanding other people’s Shadow Selves, not mine!!!
I have repressed parts of myself, denied that I could be so immature, or petty – but they are there and they took full hold during the last few weeks.
I have had rules at different times in my life about when it’s okay to be happy and when you have to self flagellate because you suck and are not on the right track. This got crazy unhappy in the last few weeks. Uber emotional and ridiculously pointing at everyone else but me… Fun Fact: Sometimes other people’s stuff is not about you.
So my rules;
I can’t be happy
- until Phill, my parents, his parents, anyone I come close to – is happy.
- if I don’t have a job, purpose, direction, calling, impressive elevator pitch.
- until I am healthy, fit, an amazing uber raw food guru who drinks sunlight for breakfast, or well on my way to Orthorexia nervosa. (Google it)
- if I don’t have my own house, space, time – have created every single thing I’ve ever thought of, dreamt about or wanted – even just the whims.
- until I have finished writing those books, blogs, products and am a gazillionaire!!!!
The issue with these rules, (Super Ego) is that they have no basis in compassion, kindness and humanity. They pushed me into crazytown. I went into the same emotional/mental landscape I experienced when I was 15-17. Intense sadness. Feeling that I wasn’t enough, hopeless and it made me avoid people, situations and myself. I distracted myself and found other things to entertain the monkey mind. I couldn’t even bring myself to meditate, because who wants to be faced by an ass-whipping from your higher self?
The little sentences that have made the difference. (The key is to stop … to actually stop… and consider the statement, let it roll around inside your mind.)
I am okay.
Who I am is okay.
What I think is okay.
What I feel is okay.
Where I perceive myself to be – is okay.
Even just the awareness of this has given me permission to forgive myself for the harsh criticisms. It’s given me the opportunity to redress the rules and to find more intention based, less pass/fail, kind of rules.
It’s such a simple idea – but so easily misconstrued or made into something overly personal developmenty…
Happiness first, Stuff later
Be good to yourself.
Oh – Day 1 is of a daily blog challenge, to get my ‘stuff’ out and to release any of the pent up emotion left from this experience.